So this is how it all landed. I did need the ileostomy bag after all. The tumor was too low in the colon to risk it. They looped a bit of my colon out of my stomach and slit a hole for the sweet, sweet colon juices to empty into a bag. I remember waking up after the surgery, feeling for something not-of-me down there, finding it, and thinking “Well, that sucks.” Then: “Ouch!” And then: “Where’s Lisa?”

I had opted for an epidural for the pain, but it hadn’t been hooked up yet. Surgery meant 6 hours in stirrups. (my sister, vet of 4 C-sections, thought this was funny.)

Time is a funny, elastic thing, doubly so in the hospital. I’m sure that the time it took the nurse to try to get the epidural working, failing, grabbing another plastic machine to compare with the first one, another nurse to notice her struggling and helping, also being confused, then fashioning a work one out of two epidural machines was probably only 10 minutes. But it was 10 minutes delivered drop-by-drop. For sheer physical pain, this was the worst of it.

I finally got to the hospital room maybe 7pm. Lisa crashed on the foldout couch. Counting the epidural as a single thing, I had nine places where I was attached to devices or tubes. Good times.

The hospital days all feel like a blur now.

Each day got better, with a few bad moments oddly timed for maximum audience. Example: First time I tried to sit up and walk, the “Pain Team” came in and asked some truly ill-timed questions (“How would rate the responsiveness of nurses and staff?”) as I broke into a sweat, felt nauseous, and had to lay back down.

Lisa stayed the first two nights. She was my rock. My Mom and sister flew in Saturday night, which was awesome. Becky, Jules and Leslie visited and made my laugh. Lisa’s Mom and Aunt Jane visited on Sunday too. I re-watched most of the first season of The Wire on a laptop. Lisa and I played five turns into a Scrabble game before I got too tired for it.

The number of devices and tubes coming in and out of my dropped to its current count of two – the ileostomy and a drain. Oxycodone replaced the epidural for the pain.

I got out Monday around noon. For some reason, I thought all hospitals required patients to be taken out in wheelchairs. It wasn’t the case with me. I walked out with Lisa, Jules and Leslie. Mom and Krista pulled up Lisa’s car. Five days and some change, and I was going home.